As I sit in the dark feeding my babies, I so often stare at them with amazement for so many reasons. How I have sustained them for the past three months just from myself, as I did while I carried them inside me. How peaceful they look as they cuddle against me and how they must feel getting that need met and being “understood” without using words. How they are little, but they are also big, with their baby feet now hanging off the nursing pillow that once contained both of their whole bodies and blankets. Today, I am thinking about how many little moments we have and am grateful that I am able to take the time to catch some of them.

Kira smiles at me when I tickle her feet in the bath. Caelyn reaches out to touch my face when I kiss her hand. They sneak hand holding when they are eating and find them when they are sleeping. Not too long ago, I held both of them against my chest and slept in the recliner because they were inconsolable about all the new outside changes and now they sleep multiple hours in a crib.

They cry. They get up multiple times a night fussing, even if they aren’t hungry. They cry when they want me to hold them. But they are brand new and I tell myself and them every day that I understand everything is new and they are learning and doing their best every day. I call them my “level 1 Kira and Caelyn” because this is just the beginning and while they will eventually be level 18 and leaving on their own, they are my brand new ones and soon they won’t be. Soon they will crawl and laugh and speak and run and dress themselves and sleep through the night. But for now, I will feed them in the dark and watch them.