One at a time, I was given each of you at the hospital and I fed you for the first time. It was strange and wonderful and stressful and confusing. You were so small and got tired so fast. You would last only a few minutes before falling asleep. Your dad would tickle your feet and rub your head, while I held you and myself and tried to get it right. It was hard for all of us.

We brought you both home and every two hours continued until we got approved from the doctor to let you go longer overnight. You both cried, I cried and then wed do it all over again. I wondered if I would be able to feed both of you and if you were gaining enough weight and if we would need to supplement. I pumped and gave you pumped milk overnight, when I was tapped out from nursing for the 8th time in the past hour. I hoped I wouldnt run out of what I was producing.

Time went by and things got a little easier. You slept longer stretches, you learned head control and stayed awake to eat. We got in a routine and you both could eat at the same time. Then, I went back to work.

I pumped. And pumped. And fed you. And pumped more. And woke up to pump. And checked ounces and used the calculator on my phone and all the milk storage apps. I again was fearful I would run out.

But here we are. A year has passed and somehow through all of our struggles and learning and depending on each other has led to us making this work. I am so very proud of each of you for learning with me and being as patient as your little souls, hearts and stomachs could be. I am so excited for the next part of our journey. The one where the stress and worry are gone and this is just for comfort and sleeps and tears. Just for love. Congratulations my sweet girls and I love you always and will always cherish this time we have had.

These photos were taken in celebration of all three of us making it one year being able to breastfeed without ever needing any supplement. We did the every two hour wake ups, combined with taking an hour to nurse them and lay them down. We did cluster feeding together. We navigated teething. We went through nursing strikes with screaming instead of nursing. We learned how to tandem nurse, how to nurse in the car, in public, in bed, on the couch.One of the hardest thing about finding out you are expecting twins is having to throw your expectations out the window. One of the things that changes is the nursing experience and I was unsure if it was even possible. With all the other compromises that we made because we were having multiples, I very much wanted to make this work and not have to compromise on this too.There were times when they were little when I forgot why I wanted to nurse so badly. I didnt get naps, because I was the only one who could feed them, or pump while someone else did. I couldnt leave my children very long at all and for a while, I just couldnt, because they didnt take bottles. But along with those hard times were the best ones.I got to experience what it is like to continue to sustain my babies outside of the womb. I got to give them the best nutrition they could ever hope to get. I have so many fond memories of quiet moments in the dark where all three of us came together in beauty.There is so much false information regarding nursing that is commonly spread in the US and in honor of breastfeeding week, I am sharing my prides and joys, as well as the pride and joy I’ve had to be able to continue nursing one of my children at 16 months (the other one has better things to do and laughs at me when I try). I also hope that if you are wanting to nurse or are struggling, that you can take these photos and my experience as encouragement. I am one of the many women who is here to support, encourage and give information to you as you go through your journey along side us:)

Snapped some photos and videos from today

Today is the last day I will be home with them. The last day I will be here for everything. Until tomorrow morning, I will have been home to see and experience every moment of their existence and then I won’t. We are going to have the best day possible and there are no single words to express having to leave a child, but I also feel glad to go back as well. I started my masters degree to better myself and at the time, I believed I may never have children. I chose not to remain stagnant in the wishing, but to move forward in another way. I want my girls to know that even when it is hard, it is important to finish something you start. I want my girls to see that I am affecting change in our community and world and making it a better place by helping hurting, confused people beyond our home and I want them to see that and feel that they are capable of doing the same, if they choose to. I want to empower my daughters to be able to choose whatever they want for themselves and I want to show this by modeling it to them. While this time in my life is hard personally, I believe that I will be able to become a better person and in turn, a better parent by affecting positive change in the hearts and minds of others and helping to create a better world for them in the future and a feeling of empowerment in them that will grow as they do. Today though, on our last day, I will take in every minute in my heart and memory and appreciate the time where we were each others daily everything.

7AM-we woke up and you both were super happy, as usual, and were close to each other and holding each other. We spoke to your grandparents on video chat.

730AM- you both nursed and then ate a bunch of oatmeal mixed with apples until you were full. This was your first meal in your high chairs and it was so nice! I let you sit and watch a vocabulary show while you digested all that food.

8AM- We all played in your play room. You both are such good sitters and can sit around a toy and play. You did this for about twenty minutes and didnt fall once! Caelyn, you were done with sitting and wanted to play on your belly and Kira, you kept playing with the toy and were sitting well enough that I trusted you to be ok if I stood up and started coffee. I held both of you individually as we prepared for nap and took a few minutes each to close my eyes and feel how little you are and how well your arms fit around my neck and your head fits in that favorite shoulder spot. I told you I love you so much and that I hope you don’t ever forget for a second.

850AM- You both napped. I laid Kira down first, then Caelyn. You cried for about thirty seconds and then slept. You sleep in your sleep sacks still and Kiras is yellow and orange floral and Caelyn is wearing a purple Aztec pattern. I chose the cutest ones I could from what they had, so dont judge me if you ever read this;)

1050AM- you got up and were both super smiley and happy to see me.

11AM- nursed again and then get ready to meet a friend.

1115AM- Kira, you got sick in your carseat very badly and we pulled back into the garage we just left. I got you cleaned up and wore you until you were ready to nurse again and fall asleep. We cancelled our plans and I cleaned up the car seat throughout the day.

On and off naps and feeding.

2PM- Caelyn, you had your PT, Holly, come to see you today while Kira slept. You love her and are doing amazing! We got more stretches and exercises to do.

4PM- eat and nap again and back on schedule.

550PM- quick shower for mom

615PM- bath for Caelyn first and then Kira. Caelyn, you snuck a swallow of bath water. You love drinking water from a cup and had to get a taste of the bath apparently.

645PM- last long feed before bed. I stroked your soft spot on your head and we took a moment all together while I put my head real close and could hear you both breathing and swallowing in your sleep. Today was crazy, but I’ve loved the crazy and always will.

Today, I got to sit with my girls and watch them both independant sit and share a toy. This is the first time they have both been able to sit without having someone behind them for back up AND to play with a toy sitting up together.

Poop face for Kira

With everything going on, it took a few days to update about Kira sitting by herself for the first time. She was getting tired by the time I got the video, but I thought it was cute that this first was with Chris. Sitting up without assistance for the first time on 9/2/18 and recent pictures today with her in my lap without leaning or holding anything for support.

Update on Sept 7:

Four days after the procedure. I finally called them because the dermabond was making my skin very red. After talking with me over the phone, they had me peel off the dermabond three days ago. The skin underneath was very angry and weeping, but the incision looked good. Yesterday a rash broke out on my stomach and this morning I went to see them and they gave me an antibiotic to be safe and a topical benedryl for the rash. I was cleared surgically though for post-op so yay!

Yesterday was the longest I’ve been away from my babies and the longest Chris and I had been alone together and it was because I had to have hernia surgery. I went in at 530 for a 730 appointment and had a rough recovery because apparently I am sensitive to heavy medications. I woke up shivering and in pain, so they gave me something for those. Then those medications made me keep vomiting, so they gave me something for nausea. All of those combined made me also feel very dizzy, so they gave me one more thing for that and sent me home with codeine. I am not allowed to lift more than 10 pounds, which means I can’t even pick up one baby, much less two.

I also ended up having open hernia surgery instead of laparoscopic, but they put the incision in my belly button mostly, so I think it will heal well. I am just in a lot of pain and even taking codeine and motrin leaves me at a 5 for pain. I miss my girls and am struggling to nurse them through the pain. I also got permission to time my breast feedings around when I take my prescriptions and said I am ok taking the codeine for up to four days while nursing them. Hopefully i won’t need it that many days and I’m also only taking a few a day.

If you want to see pictures, scroll down, but be warned that its knarly looking. Also, pay no attention to all the extra skin and the diastesis recti;)

First, no that wasn’t a typo in the title and is actually setting up a funny story and new nickname for Chris. CVS called and apparently their automated system doesn’t know what to do with her name, so it called her Ceelan. Chris has been calling her that for days now and laughing every time, so we may hang onto it for a while as her new nickname. :):):)

Next, I wanted to give an update on our cutie, because we will be posting pictures in the next few weeks and I didn’t want anyone to panic. Caelyn was our Baby A, which means that she was the lower baby and was head down most of my pregnancy. Because of the extra weight of two babies pushing on her, she ended up with a crooked skull and tightened neck muscle on one side. The terms for these are plagiocephaly and tortocollis and since they happened in utero, we have been working with her since birth with repositioning and now stretches. We have a referral into physical therapy, to see if we can have someone come to our home to work with stengthing exercises. One of the big things with tortocollis is that babies tend to hang their head to one side and this can affect future things like crawling and walking, so since she is more mobile now, we are choosing to address this as seriously as possible.

With that said, we are also opting to get her a DOC band for her head. She will be wearing it 23 hours a day for about two months and it will allow her head shape to even out over those months. This not only will improve her head shape, but also her facial symmetry. In severe cases where this is not corrected, other conditions can pop up later in life, like needing ear tubes for drainage, a cross bite that needs dental work, etc. It is going to be a rough few months, but we have opted to do this to give her her best chance to continue to be healthy in the future. We could also use prayers and thoughts as we do this. As you know, I am currently staying at home and will be returning to an internship. Financially, things are tight and since our insurance considers this cosmetic, despite the known developmental and health risks. and we are having to pay for it ourselves. Please also pray that she will adjust well these next few months and that the helmet will work as fast as possible.

Overall though, we are not worried and know it is completely fixable at this point. Chris even jokes about getting Kira one, so she can feel special too. We are staying lighthearted about it and are hoping our attitude rubs off on our girls as well.